Little Red Riding Hood's Trip

Little Red Riding Hood checked the contents of her basket: bread, cheese, milk, fruit, cigarettes and gin, ticked them off her list, and trundled off to deliver them to her Granny who lived in the forest. It was a long walk from the village where she lived, so when her legs began to ache, she decided to rest awhile in the skimpy shade of the autumn trees.

She picked up handfuls of dead leaves and formed them into a cushion to sit on. While collecting them, she came across some small brown mushrooms with pointy caps. She gathered them up, and put them in her basket for Granny to have with her dinner.

When she finally reached the ivy clad cottage, Granny hobbled to the door and let her in. She was very pleased with the mushrooms, but instead of putting them in the larder with her food, she put them in a teapot and brewed up some tea.

Little Red Riding Hood thought it tasted horrible, but forced it down to be polite. The strange tea made her feel sick at first, but she was persuaded it would pass, and after having a biscuit to get rid of the taste.

When she opened them again Granny was lying on her bed, and although her clothes were the same, she looked different somehow. The girl climbed up beside her to have a better look.

"Oh Granny, what big eyes you've got."

"That's probably because it's quite dark in here" she said.

"Oh Granny, what a big nose you've got." (And such an odd shape she thought, but decided not to say).

"How kind of you to notice it, thanks very much" the old lady growled.

"Oh Granny, what big teeth you've got."

"Listen matey, I've had enough of your insults. Get me a cigarette before I lose my temper" she snarled.

The girl took one look at Granny's expression, and knew that arguing would be a bad idea. She ran to the sofa and fetched the box and the lighter. When she returned to the bedroom, the old lady had grown much hairier, and the child approached her cautiously.

"Granny.. Why are you so hairy today?" she asked nervously.

The old woman growled angrily, the girl screamed, and a passing woodcutter heard her screams and pounded on the door.

"Are you all right in there?" he shouted through the letter box.

"No, help me, help me, it's going to kill me" the child cried.

"Let me in."

"I can't, I'm hiding."

The woodcutter kicked at the old door until the frame split and the lock fell off. He ran into the living room and spotted a young girl hiding under the table.

"What's wrong, why are you hiding?" he asked, squatting beside her, whilehis eyes scanned the room for a sight of the potential murderer.

She crawled out and climbed into his lap, shaking and sobbing. He picked her up and gave her a hug, then placed her gently on the ancient sofa. When she finally calmed enough to be able to speak, he asked her what had happened to frighten her so badly. Her blue eyes grew wide, and her jaw began to tremble.

"It's all right. I'll protect you," he said, though he could see nothing to worry about in the room.

"Help me, my Granny's turned into a wolf" she whispered, pointing to the bedroom.

The young man drew himself up to his full height, cleared his throat, flexed his muscles, and turned the brass door knob.

On the bed lay a very old lady, fast asleep. He went closer, to check that she was normal and not wolf like in any way. Lots of wrinkles, plaited white hair, and breath like stale vegetables,convinced him that she was definitely not a wolf.

He remained there for several minutes, trying to work out what on earth was going on. He smelt the woman's breath again, and recognised the odour. When he emerged, he sat next to the trembling child and looked into her eyes.

"Have you been eating mushrooms?" he asked her kindly.

She nodded, "Granny made us some mushroom tea" she replied.

He smiled, nodded to himself,and said, "Pour me some of that tea please."

While he drank the tea, she drank orange juice, and slowly returned to normal again. He drained his cup, sent the girl home, and went to check her Granny was alright, before leaving her to go home. He was concerned that she might have heard his voice, and thought she had an intruder.

In her bed was a beautiful shapely young woman, with long blond hair and laughing blue eyes, giggling happily to herself. He stood by the doorframe and stared. She was the most desirable woman he had ever seen, including models and film stars.

When she noticed the muscular young man with long dark hair she stopped giggling, batted her eyelashes, and beckoned him over.

He moved slowly, as if in a dream. It seemed hours before he reached the bed. She patted the blankets and he sat beside her, lost for words. Her golden hair tickled his arm, and he stroked her head softly, marvelling at the silky texture. She nuzzled against his chest, then opened his shirt and nuzzled some more.

Outside,the birds had stopped singing, and the sun descended towards the horizon, creating a magnificent show of oranges, pinks and purples to finish off the day. Darkness arrived, and in the bedroom many candles were lit for comfort.

Electric lights were too harsh according to Granny.

Inside, the woodcutter thought he had died and gone to heaven. Sitting on a huge soft bed, with the most beautiful woman in the world in his arms, he didn't think things could get any better.Until a small but determined hand pulled him into bed, then ripped off all his clothes.

He had wondered briefly, very briefly, where the old woman had gone, but decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, and pushed all thoughts aside, as he got down to the serious business of pleasing the lady who was there.

The candle lit hours passed like a dream, with much energy, and many fantasies being fulfilled on both sides. Several sweaty hours later, after enjoying each other thoroughly, they drifted off to sleep.

When he woke the next morning the woodcutter felt bruised and aching, his head hurt, and he wondered what on earth he was doing in the old lady's bed. He vaguely remembered something about a wolf and a little girl.

When his head stopped throbbing long enough for him to think, he decided that he must have saved the girl from a wolf, and fallen asleep in the grandmother's cottage. Though he was very surprised that she had let him use her bed. 'She must have been very grateful for me saving her grand-daughter', he thought, and allowed himself to feel smug for a while.

He could hear the old lady pottering about in the kitchen, and closed his eyes again, considering taking a day off after his exertions with the wolf that made him ache. There was something that bothered him though, if only he could remember.

Heavy boots clumped across the kitchen floor, shuffled along the hallway, and paused outside the bedroom door. Granny knocked on it softly.

"Are you decent dear?"

"Yes, come in," he replied, sitting up and covering his body with blankets so as to be decent for the old girl who had kindly let him stay.

A saggy wrinkled face appeared in the doorway, and grinned at him.

Hope she's not senile, he thought.

She shuffled towards the bed, then changed her mind and opened the window, letting in the fresh smells of the forest. Birds chirped in nearby trees, and a soft breeze rattled the last leaves on the trees.

She turned to face him. "Did you get a good night's sleep dearie?"

He thought she sounded amused, but couldn't imagine why, and assumed it was tiredness on his part, playing tricks on his ears.

"Yes thank you. The only thing is .. I can't remember how I came to be here.. exactly. I recall something about a little girl and a wolf, but everything else is a blank I'm afraid."

"You were very impressive" she said softly. "The wolf has gone, my grand daughter got home without any more trouble, and I felt very safe with you here all night."

He chuckled, "Guess I must have done a good job then, as everything turned out so well."

"Oh yes dear, you did a very good job. Everything is much better now, thanks to you. Would you like some breakfast?"

"Yes please, and a cup of tea if you don't mind."

"I don't mind at all dear, I expect a cup of tea is just what you need to help you remember last night."

She shuffled back to the kitchen, took bacon,eggs and sausages out of the fridge and put them into the frying pan on the old Raeburn stove, then buttered some bread to go with them, and washed up last night's cups and saucers.

While the breakfast was cooking, and her guest was getting washed, she put the kettle on. As she put fresh mushrooms in the pot she muttered, "It's so nice to have a grandchild who takes care of all my needs."